


there’s no replacing what we’ve lost

by finnsmoose



Category: Little Mix (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heavy Angst, Terminal Illnesses, there's mentions of other people but i decided not to tag them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 21:42:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8464033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finnsmoose/pseuds/finnsmoose
Summary: It’s inevitable, but nothing will prepare her for the day she just becomes another stranger to Perrie. She will never forget her time with Perrie, and she wishes the same could be said for the other girl, but it’s obvious that it won’t happen - that they won’t be so lucky.or the one where Perrie gets sick, and Jade's life comes tumbling down.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for any medical inaccuracies. 
> 
> This is my first time writing for this fandom, but hopefully not the last! Anyways, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> The title is from _It's Quiet Uptown_ from Hamilton.

_“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned the hard way that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the next moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.” – Gilda Radner._

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

It all starts with a joke.

The two are walking down the hotel corridor side by side, on a high from a successful show, and a night full of drunken shenanigans with the girls. Nothing important is being said, just small talk and their own inside jokes. When they get to their rooms, they’re close to passing out from exhaustion after the long night. And then, Perrie stares at the two rooms in front of her and freezes.

“Are you alright there Perrie?” Jade asks as she tilts her head inquiringly. Perrie stills, frozen in momentary panic.

“Yeah,” she answers, although she doesn’t sound too convincing. She turns to Jade, scratching her head. “I just – I don’t remember which one is mine.”

And Jade stares at her, because how could she forget something like that? She starts to laugh, shaking his head at Perrie. She takes out her key card, and unlocks her own door. “Perrie, you need to rest some more love.”

Perrie smiles a little and takes her coat off, still looking a little lost. She follows Jade into her room and yawns, resulting in a knowing smirk from Jade. She’s always right. “Yeah, I definitely need more sleep.”

Jade doesn’t like the lack of a smart comment, even if Perrie was proving she was indeed right, so she does the only thing he can think of. She makes a joke. “Or maybe you’re just looking for an excuse to get into bed with me.”

And then Perrie starts to laugh as she walks away, and Jade relaxes at the familiar sound, and all is right again.

 

//

 

Perrie forgets _Oh My God_ , right as she’s introducing it to the audience.

Everyone laughs at Perrie thinking she’s just mucking about, but Perrie stares ahead absentmindedly. Then she realises where she is, and she plays it up. The audience eat it up of course, especially after Perrie starts joking around with the girls. She apologises, and then they continue on with the show.

There’s a couple of smart comments made after the show as they make their way offstage, but Jade tries her best to ignore them. Perrie’s been a little off lately, forgetting a couple of simple words here and there, and even putting off coming up with ideas for their future shows or songs. And it seems like something more than a usual level of procrastination to Jade. She never wanted to bring it up with her though, she knows that the high demand of their job could make anyone go a little stir crazy. But this has been an occurring thing recently, and Jade knows more than to ignore something that seems a little scary.

So she goes over to Perrie with a whole soliloquy prepared in her mind about being worried about her, but Perrie just mumbles something about how she’s just tired, and how she’ll be fine soon.

Jade lets it go.

 

//

 

Perrie forgetting her words starts becoming a usual occurrence after that. She forgets simple words like _cereal_ , and _music_ and _paper_.

Everyone just laughs it off, because how can someone forget the word _flowers_ when she used to be associated with them at the start of their career? Jade gets even more worried, she doesn’t see it as a big joke like everyone else does. Jesy buys a dictionary and leaves it on Perrie’s bunk one day when they have hours to kill. Leigh-Anne jokes that she’d never forget the name Jade. ( _And although Perrie might not be fully with it these days, she doesn’t miss the slight smile that ends up on Jade’s face after that. She smiles back._ )

But one night, when the two of them are getting ready for the show ahead of them in Perrie’s dressing room, Jade realises that something is _very_ wrong. It’s not a matter of how much sleep Perrie is getting or even how much she’s drinking at this point, it’s something much worse.

Perrie’s writing something down on a sheet of paper, which Jade guesses could be possible lyrics they could use for the next album. Perrie soon stops writing, and starts scribbling furiously on the page with her pen. She sighs, feeling frustrated, and throws it down onto the floor.

“Can you pass me a new–” She stops, furrows her brow and frowns.

“Pen?” Jade says, chuckling nervously. She walks over to where the old pen had landed, and picks it up. “I think it’s a bit late for that now. We should probably just get on our way, don’t you think?”

“Pen,” Perrie repeats slowly, as if she’s just heard this new foreign word for the first time. She sighs, and pushes herself up. Maybe she doesn’t notice the fact that Jade’s watching her intently, or if she does, she doesn’t mention it, but she begins making her way to the door.

But then Perrie realises she completely forgot where she’s left her phone, and she starts to panic because she’s supposed to call Ellie tonight to let her know that she’s not able to meet her next week. “I don’t know where it is, you need to help me find it!” she says, her voice slightly hysterical, and she starts to wander around the room aimlessly, searching high and low for it.

Jade watches her with her heartbeat increasingly rapidly, because she saw Perrie leave it in the bathroom just a little while beforehand. And she’s pretty sure that Perrie walked past it on her way out to check her hair for what seemed like the hundredth time. But she doesn’t want to add salt to the wound, so she says the only thing that feels right.

“I’m sure we’ll find it somewhere, don’t worry Perrie.”

Perrie’s nearly in tears from frustration before Jade finally brings the phone to her, feeling like a horrible person for hiding it from her in the beginning. Perrie doesn’t say anything, she grabs the phone and sits down on her bed. Jade rings their tour manager up, saying that Perrie’s come down with a last minute illness, and that she won’t be able to make the show. He’s obviously annoyed, but he makes Jade promise to come down, and that he’ll sort it out. She makes Perrie a cup of tea, and leaves it for her.

She makes Perrie promise to see a doctor the next day.

 

//

 

It’s a couple of days before Perrie acts on her promise, never finding the time to do so with their busy schedule. But once she does, Jade swears time stands still.

Perrie goes on her own, telling Jade that there’s nothing to worry about and she doesn’t need any help. Jade sits in Perrie’s hotel room, watching the minutes pass by on her phone. Perrie’s gone for longer than they both expected, and Jade just wishes she ignored Perrie’s requests for her to stay behind. She also regrets not asking Perrie to do anything sooner, because she’s figured this out before most people have and it’s all her fault.

Perrie comes back that evening, with takeaway and a bottle of wine in her hands. Jade foolishly takes it for being good news, before she sees the look in Perrie’s eyes.

The diagnosis isn’t set in stone, at least that’s what the doctor said. Brain disorders never are. It’s a rare case, and Perrie jokes that she is too.

Neither of them laugh.

 

//

 

Perrie takes it better than anyone else.

Perrie researches as much as she can, and she tells Jade that her symptoms shouldn’t affect her for another while.

Perrie makes a list of the words she forgets, and she tries to learn them off by heart. The list only lasts four weeks, before it gets too long and too hard to look at. She learns how to play the ukulele with Jade whenever she has free time, and even answers crosswords in the paper. She tries to exercise her mind, desperate to do something to help herself.

She doesn’t cry when she tells her family over the phone, but she does excuse herself to her room early that night. Jade follows her, making her way to Perrie’s hotel room.

She stays the night, her arms draped over Perrie’s shoulders as she watches the blonde breathe in her sleep, reminding herself that Perrie is still Perrie and everything is fine for the moment.

 

//

 

“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Jade asks, for what seems to be the tenth time that morning alone, as she watches Perrie pack for the day ahead. She’s keeping herself busy, preparing for the day ahead.

There’s a day full of activities with the girls ahead of them, which was planned by Perrie, who has been waiting for this day for a long time. So she’s not exactly happy to be hearing this question, no matter how many times she says she’s more than up for a bit of sightseeing at a park. “Jade, what will it take for you to believe that I’m alright?”

Jade doesn’t exactly know what to say to this, because she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong. “Maybe you should rest, we can stay in here and have a movie marathon, maybe even order some pizza. I’m sure they won’t mind! Or we could watch some –”

“I said I’m fine, so just shut up!” Perrie shouts, and tries to avoid the pit in her stomach once she sees Jade’s hurt face. “I’m alright, I can handle walking around these streets. I’m not going to fuck off by myself and forget where to find you and never be fucking seen again. I’m not going to lose my phone, because it’s in my pocket that I’ve constantly been checking to make sure I have it every fucking minute! I’m not a fucking child, okay?! So stop treating me like one.”

“I’m not treating you like a child Pez. I’m just worried about you,” Jade tells her, her eyes fixed on the blonde haired girl. She watches as Perrie starts to rub the back of her neck, looking anywhere but back at her. There’s a voice in the back of Jade’s mind telling her that they’ll be late for meeting their friends, and she should just drop the subject and leave. But Perrie’s been putting off talking about this for so long now, that Jade knows it’s something they need to talk about. Plus, if Perrie can’t come talk to her about this, than what can she even do to help?

“Do you think that _I_ don’t worry about this?” Perrie asks, finally breaking the silence. “In case you haven’t realised, this isn’t a walk in the fucking park for me! My mind is slowly betraying me, leading me to the day that I won’t even remember my _own_ fucking name. I’m going to forget everything and there’s nothing that anyone can do to help me.” Jade’s pretty sure her heart is in her throat at this moment, because the idea of Perrie forgetting her just hurts too much to even think of. “But for now, I’m a fully functioning human being apart from a few fucking words, so I’m going to try and live like a normal human being.”

Jade doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t trust herself to say anything that could make the situation any better. “I’m sorry.”

Perrie offers Jade a smile, although it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Now come on, let’s make some memories while I’m still able to.”

Jade’s practically in awe at how Perrie can be so strong about this all, and it makes her feel that somehow, they’ll get through this.

 

//

 

Perrie finally breaks down two weeks later, with Jade holding her telling her that everything is going to be alright.

She couldn’t remember Hatchi’s name.

 

//

 

Perrie finally decides she wants to tell the girls, after keeping them in the dark for so long. The _Get Weird_ tour is nearly over, and she didn’t want to scare them or make them worry about her during the run. Jade’s worried that things will become too different, but she wants to think that their friendship is strong enough for them to get through this news, or at least that they’ll be there for Perrie.

The conversation starts as any normal conversation would, with Perrie asking what they’re all going to get up to with all their free time now. She makes a couple of jokes, and the rest join in and it’s just like normal. But Jade can’t join in, the lump in her throat is getting in the way of her from actually contributing to the conversation. She laughs and smiles along, but she can’t think of anything to say but _why does this have conversation have to be under these circumstances?_

Perrie finally breaks the news, and there’s silence surrounding them in the room. He tells them that he’s dying, and that although it won’t be for a couple of years, the symptoms have started to affect him.

“So you’re not going to remember any of the things we’ve done together?” Leigh-Anne asks, after staring at Perrie for a few moments, trying to see if it’s another one of Perrie’s insanely inappropriate jokes. Perrie just shakes her head, and only because she’s sitting in the closest seat to Perrie’s, Jade can see that Perrie’s on the verge of tears.

“I’ll try to hold on to these memories for as long as I can, but I can’t promise anything,” she finally tells them, and Jesy gets up to leave. Leigh-Anne walks over to Perrie and she give her a big hug, which Jade can’t watch.

She walks out to Jesy, who’s standing outside with her face hidden in her hands. “You okay there?” she asks, feeling a little stupid for even asking that.

“Why Pez?” Jesy asks immediately, and looks up. “She’s the one who looks out for herself. I mean, her only vice is her alcohol. Out of all of us, it had to _her_?”

“Believe me, I’ve been asking myself the exact same question ever since we found out,” she says, as she places her hands in her pockets. She sees what Jesy’s problem is, of course she does, but she’s decided to try not ask herself that anymore. In the end, there’s nothing that anyone can do. She doesn’t want the guilt anymore, she just wants to focus on helping Perrie.

“How are you?” Jesy asks, after a short awkward pause. Jade doesn’t exactly know how to answer that. Physically, she’s never been better. She’s been busy but she’s made sure to keep time for herself to unwind and relax properly. But emotionally? Jade doesn’t think she’ll ever get over this. How can someone prepare themselves for losing someone that means so much to them? Lately, she’s felt she’s been half a duo, and she’s not prepared to give that up. It’s been Perrie and Jade, they’re always together. And they work best like that, they know how to bounce off of the other. Jesy fills the silence again, and Jade’s almost grateful. “Stupid question really. If I’m taking this badly, I don’t know what you’re going through. It must be hell. But look after yourself, yeah? You can’t just give up on yourself.”

“Perrie is the main concern,” she says firmly, and she knows that Jesy doesn’t doubt that.

Jesy tells her that she’s going back inside, and Jade watches her leave. She stays by herself for a few moments, a little too scared to see what she’ll face once she finds the courage to walk back into the room.

And she was right, because as soon as she returns she sees Leigh-Anne consoling Perrie, and she’s never felt more useless.

 

//

 

Time goes by, and things start getting back to as normal as they can.

Everyone that Perrie wants to tell has found out about her condition, so they don’t have to face breaking the news anymore. She knows at some point he’ll have to retire from work and focus on herself, but she puts it off for another year or two. She focuses on their music as best as he she can, helping with writing lyrics and the harmonies for their next album. Although her disease is practically taking everything away from her, Perrie’s managed to keep her voice. She takes it as the smallest of victories.

But there’s something changing between the dynamic of the two, which Jade can’t ignore. They’re a lot closer, their lack of personal space before is a joke to what they’re like now.

And it just makes it harder for Jade to shut her feelings down, because as much as she wants to be more than just friends, she knows that’s not what Perrie needs in these moments. She needs a friend, someone to be there for her when she feels crappy or she’s frustrated with herself. Jade tries to shut her feelings down, but as soon as Perrie will lay her head on her shoulder or entwine their fingers together when they’re sitting down watching a movie together, she feels like her heart is about to burst open. She feels nauseous and so excited, that she doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Jade’s been spending more time with Perrie than ever before, even sleeping in her spare room. The rare times she goes home to her own place, it feels empty. She finds that Perrie doesn’t mind her staying, as it’s almost like old times in their old flat, and they somehow work their normal routines around each other.

“My brother’s visiting tonight, so I’m going to go for a meal with him,” Perrie tells her one morning, when the cold air is biting them and Jade’s mood matches the grey clouds that surround her. “I’d invite you, but he’s probably just going to catch me up on everything that’s been happening back home.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jade says with a smile, as she passes Perrie to start making her morning coffee. Perrie stops her and hands her a cup full of coffee made just the way she likes it. She takes a deep breath, and thanks Perrie. Of course she had already thought of her. But how long before Perrie forgets that little detail too?

The day goes by like usual, they share stories whenever it comes into their minds, and make comments on the show they’re watching together. Perrie turns off the volume and starts improvising some of the lines with Jade, and the two crack up a lot, never able to take anything serious together. Then Jade gets up to make dinner for herself and Perrie gets ready for meeting her brother. She leaves shortly after that, and Jade’s left alone in a kitchen with the smell of stir fry surrounding her.

And it gets too much, because she can’t help but think to the times where she’ll be making dinner just for herself and she’ll be alone in her own apartment again. Her appetite leaves her soon after, and she starts to cry. She thinks he deserves this, because she’s been keeping her feelings to herself as best as she can. The food is left on the counter, just so she doesn’t set fire to Perrie’s apartment, and she walks into the spare room to hide her face in her blankets.

She lets out painful sobs, but she doesn’t feel any better. She just thinks she feels worse, even emptier. She’s never lost a friend before, and she knows she will get through it, but it’s going to be so hard. It’s _Perrie_. She even began planning her whole life around Perrie, and she never managed to even consider what would happen if Perrie didn’t want to be a part of her life, or if a freak of nature decided to tear them apart. And she’s so scared about what’s going to happen when it starts to really hit Perrie. Can she just sit there and watch her best friend lose her whole personality? She doesn’t want to be a carer to Perrie, she still wants Perrie to have that normality of a best friend to help keep her in good spirits. But the worst thing that Jade can’t bear to think about, is when Perrie forgets her.

It’s inevitable, but nothing will prepare her for the day she just becomes another stranger to Perrie. She will never forget her time with Perrie, and she wishes the same could be said for the other girl, but it’s obvious that it won’t happen. That they won’t be so lucky.

She doesn’t know how long she stays there in her room, crying to herself, but it gets later and darker. And at some point of the night, she’s joined by another body. Perrie returns, and once she finds Jade in her room, she wraps her arm around Jade and she doesn’t say anything.

Jade wraps her arms around Perrie’s waist, and she holds onto Perrie tightly. Perrie asks what’s wrong, and Jade doesn’t exactly know how to say what she’s been thinking. Instead, she just wipes her eyes and she lets go of her grip around Perrie. She turns around to face the wall and closes her eyes. She doesn’t expect Perrie to stay, and feel arms wrap around her.

It’s the best night of sleep she’s had in years.

 

//

 

When they wake up, Perrie awkwardly pushes herself away from Jade with a flushed expression on her face.

“Sorry,” she says, as she sits up. “I didn’t think I’d fall asleep on you like that.”

“Don’t worry, I liked it.” She’s afraid she’s said something completely stupid, but Perrie smiles at her. She feels a little pang at her heart at that, and her mind races to places that she knows it shouldn’t, because they’re friends and in Perrie’s condition the last thing he needs to think about is a relationship.

“I don’t want to move,” Perrie says simply as she wriggles a little closer to Jade. “Want to have a lazy day? We can watch Disney movies until we get bored.”

Perrie keeps going on about plans for a while and Jade nods, not entirely listening to Perrie exactly. But she knows she’ll say yes to anything she wants.

 

//

 

They soon go back on tour, and there’s a sense of familiarity in the air.

Although, it’s a bittersweet feeling. It’s going to be their last tour, everyone knows this even if Perrie won’t say it aloud.

Sometimes she thinks it hard to be so happy when he’s in front of a crowd. It’s not like she’s lost that part of her, she doesn’t think she’ll ever lose the optimism or the bright personality that she has, but it hits her that some days, she’s just not in the mood to act like there’s nothing wrong in front of a huge crowd anymore. She has to be very _Hollywood_ , she has to work hard because they won’t ever let down their fans. And Jade feels guilty for deceiving people like that. But she has to continue, she can’t just give up on everything because Perrie is sick.

Most of the time though, there’s something about being on stage with Perrie that makes her feel invincible. It’s like she’s ready to take on the world, as long as her best friend is with her. And she knows Perrie feels the same, she can see it in her eyes. It’s in the words they don’t say as they cross paths on the way to their separate hotel rooms, and in the looks they give each other when they sneak into the other’s room late at night. On the last night of the show, they really soak up the applause. As soon as they leave the stage, Jade takes Perrie’s hand in her. Perrie smiles back, and she feels ten times better than she ever had before.

There’s a party afterwards for everyone to go to at the end of the night. And they all get well and truly drunk, like Jake says the next day in an angry text (he regrets _everything_ ). There’s no cameras for most part of the night, just friends celebrating the end of a major part of their lives. And as much as Jade loves having everyone around, she just wants to spend some time with Perrie alone.

But seeing Perrie surrounded by the people she loves and smiling like there’s nothing wrong in the world is one of the best things she’s seen. She doesn’t want to think of anything but what they’ve all achieved together and how much fun the night actually is, so she doesn’t let herself think too much.

The night goes by quickly, with everyone stumbling back to their hotel rooms after a few too many drinks and when they finally reach Perrie’s hotel room, they collapse onto her sofa not caring about the fact that there isn’t room for the both of them, and they’re snuggled in closer than normal. Perrie starts laughing to herself as Jade nearly falls off, but she won’t let Jade leave her.

“Stay with me. I don’t want to wake up hungover and alone,” Perrie pleads, using the worst puppy dog eyes Jade has ever seen. But she stays, only because she doesn’t think she’ll make it to her own room. And also because Perrie’s got a pretty tight hold of her, which she definitely won’t complain about.

Perrie pushes Jade’s hair out of her eye and kisses her forehead, and mutters a sweet thank you.

And maybe Jade’s had a bit too much to drink, but she doesn’t care about the consequences so she leans down and kisses Perrie. It’s a sweet kiss, but it’s over sooner than she’d like it to be. And she’s way too drunk to keep her eyes open, let alone kiss someone. She shuts her eyes and starts to fall asleep, and the last thing she hears is Perrie’s soft voice close to her ear.

“Silly Jade, I’ve been waiting for you to do that since the first day I saw you.”

 

//

 

Nothing can actually prepare her for waking up. She feels truly horrible before realising what she had done, but once she remembers the kiss she feels enough guilt to _actually_ stand up. She’s never allowed herself to drink so much before, and she knows why as she stumbles to the bathroom in a groggy state.

When she reappears, changed out of her clothes from the previous night, she finds that Perrie’s moaning about never drinking again as she rubs her head. “Hangovers should not be a thing when your brain’s this fucked up,” she says under her breath, but Jade catches onto it and it makes her feel even more uncomfortable. “Do you think you could ring room service for us?”

Jade gets the two of them a greasy fry up, which they consume as soon as it’s ready. Breakfast is a quiet affair, both still recovering from the night before. Jade’s a little afraid to say anything, just in case it brings back any memories to Perrie. She feels a lot more confident in the fact that Perrie feels the same, but she doesn’t want to pressure her into a relationship. Not with everything on her plate.

“Jake left me a text to tell me he hates me,” Perrie says, finally breaking the silence. “I don’t think him and Jesy drank nearly half as much as we did.”

“If it makes him feel any better, I hate you too. I’m not doing that ever again – I’m getting too old for this,” Jade groans, as she finishes his food. Perrie laughs at that, knowing fully well this won’t be the last time she hears those words said.

“About last night,” Perrie begins and she looks down, a little embarrassed to look at Jade. “I meant what I said, before we fell asleep. I don’t know if you remember, but I –”

“I remember,” Jade says, her cheeks burning ever so slightly. This is the moment, the moment that she never actually allowed herself to dream of. She pushes through her nerves, and continues on. “When we got off stage, I felt like I could do anything. I never felt more invincible, or happier. But I realised that I felt like that because you were with me. Its how you always make me feel.”

“So you got absolutely hammered and finally decided to kiss me?” Perrie asks, and Jade can hear a smile forming on her lips.

“When you put it like that, it doesn’t sound all that romantic,” she laughs nervously. She looks up at Perrie again and can’t help but grin. She never thought they’d ever talk like this, but here they are.

“Probably because it isn’t,” Perrie counters, laughing a little.

“I hate you,” Jade mumbles which only makes Perrie laugh in return.

“You don’t,” Perrie says and Jade might actually be catching a tan from the glow coming off Perrie’s face.

“You’re right,” she gives up quickly, because the quicker she does that the quicker she gets to kiss Perrie again. And _properly_ this time. “I don’t think I’ve said it to you yet, but I like you – more than I ever thought I would. I mean, you’re tolerable. In fact, I’d say you’re –”

Jade’s stopped mid-sentence by Perrie’s mouth on her. It’s a bit awkward at first, seeing as her mouth was open and she nearly consumes Perrie’s face whole but then Perrie laughs, slides her fingers into the hair at the back of Jade’s head and gives her a second before she kisses her again.

Jade doesn’t think life can get any better.

 

//

 

Their period of happiness doesn’t last as long as she would have wanted.

Perrie’s condition starts to worsen, and so does her mood. She barely leaves her home, too scared to face people she doesn’t know. She snaps and shouts at Jade for the smallest things, and it takes all of her willpower not to fight back.

And she has to remind herself every time that it’s not Perrie talking. It’s the disease, and it seems like it’s not contempt with just taking Perrie away from her but it wants to take Perrie’s personality too.

Whenever Perrie comes down from her anger, she’s always hit with guilt. She cries, and tells Jade how she doesn’t deserve listening to the insults Perrie angrily throws her way. But Jade won’t listen to her, she always tells her to stop being so crazy when Perrie tells her she should find someone better for her. Jade knows there’s no one more perfect for her than Perrie, so she kisses her until the fear leaves Perrie’s eyes.

“How do you live with me like this?” Perrie asks her completely out of the blue one day, when her legs are entangled with Jade’s under the sheets and there’s sweat covering both of their bodies.

Jade doesn’t have to think twice before she answers, as she’s never been so sure of anything before. She presses a kiss to Perrie’s forehead and cups her face so she can see just how serious Jade is.

“There’s no other way I want to live my life.”

 

//

 

A year later, Perrie’s seeing her doctor even more.

Her symptoms are hitting her a lot harder, and Jade hates just sitting back and watching. She feels so helpless most of the time, but she still knows it’s an honour to be the one to help Perrie through this all.

Still, nothing could have prepared her for waking up to a very confused, and obviously nervous Perrie one morning.

“I can’t believe this,” she says to herself as she covers herself up with their blanket. “How much did we have to drink last night?”

“What?” Jade asks, not fully thinking from just waking up.

“I’m sure this was great, but we’re friends. There’s no way that we can actually continue this,” Perrie begins explaining, and things start to click inside Jade’s mind. It’s a symptom of the disorder – waking up and thinking she’s in the past. Jade tries to play along as best as she can.

“You’re right,” she says, her heart obviously not in the right place.

“Jesy was right, she told me something was going on between the two of us. But I didn’t believe her, because why would I?!” Perrie continues, but then she stops talking.

Perrie comes back, realising her mistake and starts apologising immediately, but she’s left shaken for the rest of the day. They don’t talk about it, they brush it under the carpet along with everything else they’re too scared to mention to each other. Which, is starting to become a lot.

It isn’t something that usually happens to Perrie though, but it’s one of the things that take her off guard most. She can take the headaches and forgetting certain things, but it gets a little too real for her whenever this happens.

Jade handles it better though, she’s starting to get used to pushing her feelings aside during these situations. It isn’t until after, when she’s alone or Perrie’s fallen asleep, that she lets her feelings out.

It’s unhealthy, but she’s the one that’s going to be left with the memories. She can deal with her own tears – Perrie shouldn’t.

She wants to help Perrie remember only the good times for as long as she can.

 

//

 

Jade’s hit with nerves, and nothing compares to how she’s feeling right now.

They’ve been together for two years now, and she knows that it’s finally time. The small box in her pocket is a constant reminder of how badly she’s possibly going to screw everything up, but she still wants to go through with it. The only thing is, she doesn’t know _how_ to propose.

After talking with Jake and Jesy, she decides not to do something over the top. It’s never been them anyways, they prefer to be intimate. She decides to cook a meal for Perrie one night, spreading a couple of rose petals across their table and light candles to add to the atmosphere.

Perrie doesn’t suspect a thing, she’s just swept away with the romance. Once they’ve finished their meal, Jade decides it’s finally time to pop the question. She takes Perrie’s hand, and Perrie looks at her with the most love-struck expression she’s ever seen and she _knows_ she’s doing the right thing.

“Perrie,” she begins, and she realises how much easier this would have been if she had planned her speech ahead of time. She’s never been the best with words in times like this. But Perrie’s slight snort at the use of her serious voice just makes her fall in love with Perrie just a little bit more, and she realises that she’s never loved anyone like she loves Perrie. And that’s always a good start.

“I don’t think there are words to begin describing just how happy I am with you. For the first time in my life, I finally learned what it’s like to truly love someone. And knowing that you feel the same way about me – it’s just mind blowing really. There’s so much I want to say to you right now, about how much happiness you’ve brought into my life and how much I adore you, but I don’t think there are any words to begin describing that.”

Jade takes a deep breath, knowing that it’s now or never. “But I do. I love you so much Perrie,” she pauses for a moment, still holding Perrie’s hands - which is mostly to be romantic but also because she’s sure that she’s definitely going to fall over at any moment – as she gets down on one knee. “We may not have a fairy tale ending, but there is nothing more I would love than being your wife. Whatever happens, we’ll take it on together.”

She hears Perrie gasp, and she feels Perrie’s hold of her hand getting even tighter.

“Perrie Louise Edwards,” she looks up, seeing tears in Perrie’s eyes. “Will you marry me?”

Perrie sniffles, her free hand going up to wipe her tear stained cheeks and she chokes out an “Oh my god,” and Perrie laughs nervously, but Jade still has a strong gut feeling that the next words that come out of Perrie’s mouth are going to be no and that she doesn’t even feel that way and –

“Yes, of course I’ll marry you!”

Jade can’t say another word, instead she simply gets up to her feet and pulls Perrie into her, kissing her with all of the passion she can muster up. She’s never felt so happy, or relieved. Just knowing that one day, she’ll be able to call Perrie his wife makes her heart swell.

And for the first time, Jade can say she isn’t so scared of the future.

 

//

 

Jade’s sitting across the room from her friends, trying her best to keep up with everything that is going on.

It’s New Years, and Leigh-Anne’s sister is throwing a party for everyone to reel the New Year in together. And like always, it’s an epic celebration. There’s plenty of booze flowing, and everyone is in high spirits. Jade loves it, she loves seeing everyone together again. She wants to take it all in, and savour every moment of it.

Leigh-Anne walks over to her, and hands her another drink. “Mind if I sit with you for a few minutes?”

“Of course,” Jade answers with a smile. “This is a great party.”

“You say this like you don’t have faith in my family anymore to throw parties like we used to when we were younger,” Leigh-Anne says, her voice dripping with a faked hurt.

“I guess I’m just really jealous,” Jade shrugs, and the two laugh.

“I heard those solo album rumours,” Leigh-Anne says, after a moment of silence. “Are you going to take it?”

“I can’t,” she answers straight away. She had gone for a meeting on a whim, not thinking they’d even consider her for something like this. But Jade somehow been offered a recording contract. It’s something she had dreamed about before, but she knows she’d be selfish to take it.

“Are you crazy? This could do wonders for you,” Leigh-Anne argues. And she knows that Leigh-Anne is right, that’s why she never told anyone. “You can’t not take it because you’re scared. That’s what makes you sure that you want it.”

“I can’t leave Perrie,” Jade admits, which quietens Leigh-Anne. “I’ll be in LA recording most of the time. And what if she needs me?”

“I know it won’t be the same as having you with her, but we’re here for Perrie too. We’ll make sure she’s not alone, and that you’re not in the dark,” Leigh-Anne suggests. Jade’s about to protest, when Leigh-Anne interrupts her. “Just promise me you’ll think about this more, will you?”

“Yes mom,” Jade jokes weakly. Her attention is soon turned to the impromptu karaoke session that’s begun. Perrie and Jesy are holding onto each other as they shout out the words to a Spice Girls song. Danielle and Ellie are beside them, dancing along to the music. Ellie stumbles, and knocks over a piece of furniture, which gets Leigh-Anne’s attention. She runs off shouting about how that’s going on their tab, but she’s laughing and no one takes her seriously.

Jade stays sitting, looking around the room. When the songs over, Perrie walks over to Jade. Perrie sits on her lap, and leans in for a lazy kiss.

“Are you happy?” Perrie asks, as she leans her head against Jade’s forehead.

“More than ever,” Jade grins, not even having to think about Perrie’s question. Because while there are some obvious challenges the two have to overcome, Jade’s doubts and insecurities seem to flutter away whenever she gets to wake up next to Perrie, or when she’s the one to make Perrie laugh.

“I want you to be happy,” Perrie says, slurring his words. “Because you make me happy. Happier than I ever imagined. I love you Jadey.”

They ring in the New Year in each other’s arms, surrounded by their beloved friends. It starts with a slightly drunken kiss, and they leave hand in hand when things start to wind down.

“This year is going to be amazing,” Perrie says, in between kisses. “I’m going to make some memories that are too good to forget.”

“That definitely sounds like a plan.”

 

//

 

The alcohol is no longer in her system, and Perrie’s optimism doesn’t last long.

When Jade wakes up, she stretches out to find that Perrie isn’t lying beside her anymore. She makes her way to the living room, where she finds Perrie staring at the television screen, which is off. She’s holding a cup of coffee, which Jade guesses could be cold at this point.

“Perrie honey?” she calls out, trying to get Perrie’s attention.

“What’s the point?” Perrie asks, still staring ahead of her. “What the fuck am I even doing at this point? My memory is gone to shit, and soon I won’t be able to even remember how to walk anymore.”

Jade’s used to the mood swings at this point, and had thought she had been through the worst. But this is different. It’s like she is looking at a complete stranger, instead of her best friend. Perrie has never been so despondent.

Perrie continues on, the grip on her coffee mug tightening. “I hate myself so much right now. I know that I’m just keeping you from better things, by making you my live-in carer, but I’m too selfish to make you leave. And what’s the point? You’re just going to be a stranger to me at some point too.”

“Don’t…”

“Leigh-Anne told me about it. At the party last night,” Perrie says, finally turning to her. “She thought I knew about it, and told me to send you her congratulations. You got offered a solo contract and you didn’t tell me about it?”

“I only just found out a few days ago. But I don’t even want it –” Jade begins to explain, but she’s cut off.

“Let me guess, because you’re stuck with your sorry excuse of a fiancé?” Perrie says bitingly. “You don’t trust me to stay on my own, in case I hurt myself? Is that it?”

“Of course not, I –”

“You say you’re happy, but I’m just weighing you down!” she shouts. “I’m nothing but a fucking burden, and I’m ruining your life. And you might not say it, but you’re thinking it. And do you know what the worst thing is? I don’t blame you.”

“Stop it!” Jade shouts in return. “Don’t you dare say that you’re a burden to me. Because you’re not, and you never will be. I will love you, until the day I die. I’ll love you even when the day comes that you don’t know who I am anymore.”

Her voice shakes at the last part, and she sees some emotion coming back to Perrie. She walks over, and squats down so she can be face to face with Perrie. “There is nothing you can do or say to change my mind. I love you with all of my heart, and I will be by your side for as long as you’ll have me. Because there’s nothing more I want to do, than to help you.”

“But the album,” Perrie says, her eyes watering. Jade’s sure she’s about to cry too.

“I still haven’t made my mind up about it. I was going to tell you about it,” she says, which isn’t exactly true. Although, she knows it’s better this way. “This is a big decision to make. I’ll be in LA for months, and you’ll be here.”

“You deserve it,” Perrie tells her, and Jade actually believes her.

“I don’t want to leave you,” Jade admits, raising her hand to wipe the tears that are falling down Perrie’s cheeks.

Perrie smiles, trying to hold the tears back. “I’ll live.”

It’s one of the best thing Jade’s ever heard.

 

//

 

Jade signs the contract, and Perrie continues working on music as much as she can. She even takes a couple of presenting jobs, which excites her.

Jade thinks this will be as close to normal that the two will get.

 

//

 

They’re at the airport, with Leigh-Anne and Jesy, and Jesy’s baby girl.

“You’ll call as soon as you land?” Perrie asks, and Jade pretends she doesn’t see the reminder written on Perrie’s hand that todays the day she’s leaving.

“Of course I will,” Jade tells her. “I’ll rush off the plane as soon as I can just so I can hear your voice again.”

“And you better Skype me at least once every two days,” Perrie demands, which makes Jade laugh.

“Would you like me to write letters too?” she asks, jokingly.

“If you’re offering,” Perrie answers, but is interrupted by the girls who want to say their goodbyes too.

Time goes by too quickly, because before she knows it, she has to check in. She wraps her arms around Perrie and kisses her one last time.

“I love you,” she says, her forehead wresting on Perrie’s.

“I love you too,” Perrie returns, and Jade still feels the same way as when she heard it said the first time.

It isn’t until she arrives, and she’s about to ring Perrie to let her know that she’s arrived in one piece, that it hits her. This is her new home for the moment, and it’s so lonely. She already misses her life back home in London, but she wants to do this. She wants to make Perrie proud.

She throws her bag down, and she rings Perrie. When Perrie picks up, she sounds tired but she stays on the line.

It isn’t the same, but hearing how happy Perrie is for her, it’s all the motivation Jade needs to continue.

 

//

 

As much as Jade misses Perrie, she doesn’t hate living in LA all that much.

The production crew are wonderful, and they all get on very well. She misses London and her friends and family, but she’s enjoying working on the next stage of her career.

And it goes so well. She’s found a sound that suits her perfectly, and she’s so proud of the album she’s putting together. Time flies, and she makes a new life for herself in LA.

On her last week recording, Jade comes back from an all-nighter and she feels like a zombie. She throws herself down onto her bed, and clumsily takes out of her phone. She’s about to fall asleep, when she notices she’s missed six calls from Caitlin.

She sits up straight away, and calls Caitlin back, not caring about how late it is. Caitlin picks up on the third ring, and she can already tell something bad had happened.

“Is she okay?” Jade asks straight away, skipping the formalities.

“Don’t worry,” Caitlin begins, and Jade wants to shout about how stupid that is. Of course she’s going to worry, it’s the love of her life that’s sick. “But Perrie’s in the hospital at the moment.”

“What?” Jade asks, and her heart starts racing. She’s already imagining of all the worst case scenarios.

“She’s in the hospital,” Caitlin repeats. “She had a seizure this morning, when I was at your place. I called an ambulance, and they looked after her. The doctor said it was normal for something like this to happen, but I haven’t been able to see her since it happened.”

“I need to go home to her,” Jade says, reaching for her laptop to look up flights.

“No! She wouldn’t want me to tell you, I know she wouldn’t want to see you yet,” Caitlin tells her. “But I knew you needed to know.”

Jade stays silent for a moment, and she lays back down. She’s so tired, she doesn’t need this at the moment. “Are you okay?” she asks.

“It was so scary. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I put her in the recovery position and then I just sat there and watched, hoping it would stop soon,” she pauses, and takes a deep breath. “It’s _really_ true.”

“Yeah,” Jade says, with a shaking voice. 

“Half of me kept thinking it wasn’t, that she was okay and it was one long nightmare. But it’s not, she’s sick,” Caitlin continues on. “I’m not ready to lose my sister Jade. I love her.”

“You should go to sleep,” Jade tells her, trying to ignore the sinking feeling of not being there for Perrie. The best she can do is try help Caitlin, even if it’s just from a long distance phone call. “Look after yourself too, it’s important.”

Caitlin hangs up, and Jade tries to fall asleep. But all she sees is Perrie, almost like she is haunting her. She wishes she could be there to hold her hand, knowing how the hospital is starting to scare Perrie. Jade contemplates getting up and leaving right there and then, but she knows he can’t.

Just as she’s about to fall asleep, her phone rings again.

She checks the time, seeing that it’s seven and it’s too early for people to call. She sees that Caitlin is ringing her again, and picks up straight away.

“Jade, it’s gotten worse. Shit, it’s gotten bad,” Caitlin mutters, and Jade freezes. “The nurses asked me to come see her, because she was acting out. But when I got there, she started shouting more and more, and I was made leave. She doesn’t remember me.”

It’s what Jade has been fearing ever since the diagnosis came in. She knows it’s a sign that the end is coming.

“She’s my older sister, the person I’ve always looked up to, and she was fucking _scared_ of me. She wasn’t even able to form a proper sentence, she just kept shouting,” Caitlin tells her.

“I’m coming home,” Jade says, her mind made up.

And she’s somehow allowed to go, but she doesn’t question why. Instead, she just wonders why the hell she had ever thought she could leave Perrie behind.

 

//

 

When she finally gets back to London, she rushes to the hospital.

Nothing prepares her for what she sees. She’s not the girl that Jade had left behind, she looks like a broken version of Perrie. How had she not seen this coming? Things had been progressing, but Perrie tried not to let on how badly it had been hurting her.

She opens the door to Perrie’s room, but Perrie doesn’t look up. She walks to Perrie’s bed, and takes hold of her hand.

“I’m here love,” she says, and watches Perrie turn to face her slowly. She doesn’t say anything, and Jade’s heart sinks.

But just as she’s about to lose all hope, Perrie gives her a weak smile. It’s not much, but it’s something to hope for.

 

//

 

Perrie’s allowed back home two weeks later, but she stays inside most of the time.

She withdraws from herself, almost like she’s scared for other people to see her like this. And she barely wants to leave the house – both old and new places leave her confused.

Her memory isn’t what it used to be. The doctors say the seizure set things off, and now it’s a waiting game. They can’t put a number to how long she has left, but Jade doesn’t know if she’d want one. Instead, she tries to treasure the days as much as she can, even if the bad days are starting to overtake the good days.

The girls comes over to help, which Jade is grateful for. She thinks if anyone can bring a more playful side out of Perrie, its Jesy and Leigh-Anne.

Perrie forgets their names, and they’re met with a confused expression as she walks into the room. Jade can see the disappointment in their eyes, but she doesn’t blame them.

“Leigh-Anne, Jesy, it’s good to see you two again!” Jade greets them, and Perrie’s face lights up in recognition.

“Jesy, Leigh-Anne!” she repeats, and Jade watches the smile on their faces reappear.

Jade leaves them to it, allowing them to have a private conversation. She knows that the girls will have to do most of the talking, as Perrie’s been finding it hard to keep up lately. But somehow Jade doesn’t think that will affect them, since those girls could always be the life of a party.

Jade’s in the kitchen watching a movie, lost in her own little world. It’s been so long since she’s had time to herself like this, but it doesn’t last too long.

There’s a loud bang, and she can hear a loud commotion coming from the living room. She runs out, to find Perrie on the floor and Jesy trying to help her up. Jade runs over, and helps Jesy pull Perrie up onto the sofa.

“Are you okay?” Jade asks, as she leans into Perrie. Perrie only nods, and hides her head in her hands. “What happened?”

“She wanted to get up but she fell over,” Jesy answers, still in shock. “I tried to soften the blow so she wouldn’t get hurt.”

“Thank you,” Jade says, hoping Jesy can see how grateful she is. She sits down beside Perrie, and places her arm around Perrie’s shoulder. “It’s okay. The doctor said we should expect this.”

“No,” Perrie mumbles, and it sounds like she’s on the verge of crying. “I’m not okay.”

As Perrie gets more and more worked up, Jesy and Leigh-Anne excuse themselves. Jade walks them out, not wanting to be rude. They stand by the door, where Jesy’s eyes fall back to the living room. “How are you holding up?” she asks Jade.

“As well as I can be, I suppose,” she answers, with a shrug. “You’ll come over again, won’t you?”

“You won’t be able to get rid of us,” Leigh-Anne grins. They hug Jade goodbye, and make their way out of the house.

Jade walks back inside, to find a quiet Perrie. She’s watching Jade closely, but her eyes skim down when she’s caught. Jade walks back to sit beside Perrie, and holds onto her hand tightly.

“Don’t want to leave you,” Perrie says, facing Jade. Jade’s scared, she doesn’t want Perrie to lose hope. It’s just making it all more real, and she can feel time ticking away.

“I don’t want you to go.”

 

//

 

Jade sometimes finds herself dreaming of the wedding, that she hates to admit will never happen.

She sees Perrie, in a flowing white dress, standing beside her at the altar. Their friends and family are sitting in seats behind them, but all she cares about is the woman she’s about to marry. They hold hands as the officiant begins the ceremony. They vow to love each other in sickness and in health, and to share their lives together.

In particularly good dreams, they live a long life together. They have kids, and a house in the countryside. They live a lifetime together, and have the happy ending she wishes they could have. In bad dreams, Perrie doesn’t know who she is. No matter how much she tries to reach out to the blonde, Perrie never recognises her.

It’s moments like these that she struggles to have faith for the two of them. But she takes everything a day at a time, tries her best to get over certain speed bumps in their way.

Perrie can barely string a sentence together, and stays quiet. Jade hasn’t heard her sing since she left for LA. She thinks she misses her singing the most.

But still, Perrie finds ways to make her smile. Even on difficult days, Perrie tries her best to smile just for Jade. “Beautiful,” she’ll say, greeting Jade every morning.

Jade does all the talking nowadays, filling in all the blanks for Perrie. She tells her all about her childhood and her teenage years, being on the X Factor and all the glorious moments afterwards. Perrie points at the ring on her finger once, and Jade has to swallow the lump in her throat down.

“We’re engaged,” she tells Perrie, who only nods. “We’re going to get married someday, just you wait. You’ll be the most beautiful bride there has ever been.”

Perrie shakes her head. “You.” This makes Jade smile. “Love you.”

Jade takes Perrie’s hand, and kisses it, hoping she’ll get to hear that lots more.

 

//

 

“Scared.”

Jade looks up from her book, to look over at Perrie. “What did you say love?” she asks, and she sees just how pale Perrie is. She closes the book, not caring if she’s lost where she’s at.

“Scared,” Perrie repeats, the word coming out slowly.

And Jade is too. _Terrified_ , even. But she doesn’t say that. Instead, she walks over to Perrie and she takes her hand. “I’m going to be by your side, no matter what. Okay?”

Perrie’s rushed to hospital the next day.

 

//

 

Jade stays by Perrie’s bedside throughout it all, with the rest of her family and friends visiting whenever they can.

Perrie doesn’t recognise any of them, instead she leans into Jade and lets out a small cry whenever Jade needs to leave the room.

They’re running out of time, but Jade’s set to keep running anyways. She’ll take all the time she can with Perrie.

But Jade knows that Perrie has lived a good life, a longer one than either had expected at the start. It’s selfish for wanting more for Perrie, considering the life they’ve spent together. But that doesn’t stop her.

She reads to Perrie, and reads out messages from loved ones that Perrie doesn’t remember, and she retells stories that she’s told countless times before. Perrie doesn’t say anything, instead she rests. Sometimes, Jade isn’t sure that Perrie is even listening to her, but that doesn’t stop her.

One day, Jade wakes up from an uncomfortable nap to see Perrie staring at her engagement ring. Jade takes her hand, and gives it a tight squeeze. “Wedding,” Perrie says, and Jade almost jumps from hearing Perrie speak. “Tell me about it.”

So Jade speaks, she tells Perrie all about the wedding that she had planned in her head. She tells Perrie all about the church they choose near home so all of their families can make it, and she tells Perrie what dresses they’ll wear. She talks about how Jake and Jesy’s family will cry throughout the ceremony and how everyone else will get mad but Perrie will just laugh. She tells her about the reception, and how much alcohol is consumed. “We’re in Newcastle now!” she jokes. And she talks about how they have their first dance to _Can’t Help Falling in Love With You_. And she goes on to tell her about the family they’ll go on to have – a girl and a boy. And they’ll have dogs and a big garden for them to run around in.

It isn’t until Jade finishes speaking that she sees that Perrie’s eyes are closed. But there’s a smile on her face, and Jade wonders if this is the most at peace she’ll feel ever again.

 

//

 

Perrie doesn’t wake up.

Jesy and Leigh-Anne are sitting beside her, as she stays by Perrie’s side.

“Do you think she’s in pain?” Leigh-Anne asks, and neither of them have an answer for her.

“She’s a fighter,” Jesy smiles sadly, as she lays her head on Leigh-Anne’s shoulder. “I hope she knows just how much we love her.”

Jade realises that it’s hard to have an answer for that either, because she’s the only one Perrie would allow near her. So she stays silent.

“Thanks for all the laughs throughout the years Pez,” Jesy begins, and Jade turns her head to see her two friends are crying. She doesn’t know how long she’ll hold on for. “You’ve been my rock for years, and I’m just sorry that I couldn’t help you as much as you helped me. I love you Perrie, and I’ll forever be grateful that you were in my life.”

Jade holds onto Jesy’s hand, although she’s not sure who it’s supposed to benefit more.

“Do you remember when I broke up with Jordan?” Leigh-Anne asks, her words barely legible through her sobs. “I was miserable, I thought that I had reached my lowest point. But you did the unthinkable, you made me _laugh_. You always managed to help me when I was upset or nervous. I never thanked you, but it always meant so much to me.”

They listen to the machine beeping beside Perrie, letting them know that she’s still holding on. It’s enough for now, to give them hope for some miraculous recovery. But it's futile, Jade knows that.

It's a waiting game now.

 

//

 

Two hours later, when Jade’s found herself alone with Perrie again, she lets herself cry.

“I know you’re going through a lot of pain right now,” she begins, her voice quivering. “And I know you’re going to face a lot more afterwards. So if you decide that it’s too much, I understand. I love you, I always have and I always will. I want you here with me, so we can spend the rest of our lives together. But if you need to let go, you can.”

Jade falls asleep by Perrie’s side, holding onto her hand.

She doesn’t need to open her eyes to know, but they flicker open anyway.

There’s no rising of her chest. Perrie looks like she’s sleeping peacefully, content and no longer suffering.

Jade tries to call out for help, but no words leave her.

She wonders if she should be relieved that Perrie’s no longer in pain.

Still, she’s _gone_.

Tears fall down her cheeks as her chest heaves, and she cradles Perrie’s body in hers, silently wishing they had more time.

 

//

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There’s an electric feeling around her, as she stands by the door.

Jesy and Leigh-Anne and all of her family and friends are all inside her dressing room, squished together. She’s happy, which is something she never thought she’d be able to say again.

“You ready love?” her mother asks, as she places an arm around Jade’s shoulders.

“Ready as I’ll ever be!” she answers, the smile on her face refusing to fall.

She makes her way to the stage, and lets the atmosphere of a loving crowd take over. It’s been so long since she’s played in front of a crowd, which makes her slightly more nervous. But she knows she’ll be okay. She’s got everyone here to cheer her on.

Jade runs on stage, microphone in hand, and waves to the crowd. She basks in the cheers, and thanks her beloved Newcastle fans. As she places the microphone in the microphone stand, the crowd quieten down.

“This has been a long time coming,” she says, giggling at the words. She turns her head around to see her family watching her, sticking their thumbs up at her. “Thank you for coming out tonight! I’m going to start tonight off with a song that’s very special to me. It’s for anyone who has lost someone they loved.”

She pauses, and looks up. She smiles, feeling bittersweet, and thinks of Perrie. Perrie, who would have loved to have been here to cheer her on. There’s no one she’d love to sing for more. “This is a song for when you don’t think you can carry on, but you do. Because life might have been cruel enough to steal them away from you, but that doesn’t mean your life is over. It means that you now have the strength to live for them too.”

She holds onto the ring on her necklace, and smiles brightly.

Jade’s not sure of much, but she knows she’ll be okay. The sun had started to shine down on her, when she felt like she couldn’t keep afloat with all of her grief.

But now she feels like she’s found her anchor to help her through the mess of her emotions.

Jade refuses to sink.


End file.
